Sometimes we have glimpses of our own self-deception. When does a negative remark sting, cut deep, hit a nerve? When some part of us knows it is true. If every part knew it was true, the remark would not sting; it would be old news. If no part thought it was true, the remark would roll off; we could dismiss it as false. — Stephen Pinker, The Stuff of Thought

HOW DID THIS GET TO BE THE 1ST ANNUAL LITERALLY AWARDS

In which we compare the gang’s progress in episodes 27-48 against their efforts in episodes 1-26.

Not counting towards the totals:

  • The bi-weekly mini-episodes.
  • Advertisements with the checkout code “literally”.
  • Anything during the live show at Largo (Episode #31) after the crew brought out the original graph and discussed it. Counting that would, like, totally be entrapment.

IN THE CATEGORY OF “MOST ON THE WAGON”

(for the person exhibiting the most improved self restraint during the second half of the year)

WINNER: Paul Scheer, for going from an average of 2.15 L-bombs per episode down to an average of 1.32, a 39% drop. (Jason’s 29% drop went from 2.04 to 1.45)

THE “MARATHON MAN” AWARD

(for the person who resisted temptation the longest in a single episode before giving in)

RUNNER-UP: Paul Scheer, for holding out 36 minutes and 29 seconds before gracing episode #22 with literality.

WINNER: Jason Mantzoukas, for waiting 39 entire minutes and 24 entire seconds into Judge Dredd before succumbing to what is literally one of the worst movies they’ve ever done.

THE “MINUTE MAN” AWARD

(for the fastest use of the word “literally” in an episode)

RUNNER-UP: Jesse Thorn, episode #46, could only wait 1 minute and 50 seconds before letting us know that a thing he was describing was not “figurative”, but “literal”.

WINNER: Jason Mantzoukas, for his 1 minute 33 second performance during the Crank 2 episode. (*)

((* Huge asterisk here: the originally released file of #13 lacked the advertisement at the beginning — which now pushes the time on this to 1:57. So according to the ancient laws of our tribe, if Jesse Thorn wants to contest this, he is entitled to challenge Jason to a knife-fight on stage at UCB.))

"LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT" AWARD

(for literally the most total number of incidents)

It’s a tie! As of this writing, both Paul and Jason have used the word “literally” literally the exact same number of times, at 85 each.

AND FINALLY, THE AWARD FOR “MOST HEARTBREAKING”

In episode #30 with Brian Huskey, at 30 minutes and 7 seconds, it was June Diane Raphael who broke our collective hearts when she allowed one solitary L-word to cross her lips. I officially I no longer believe in anything.

steveagee:

iheartchaos:

Bruce Lee’s definite chief aim
Or, “steps to being the baddest motherfucker on the planet”
Transcript:
My Definite Chief Aim  I, Bruce Lee, will be the first highest paid Oriental super star in the United States. In return I will give the most exciting performances and render the best of quality in the capacity of an actor. Starting 1970 I will achieve world fame and from then onward till the end of 1980 I will have in my possession $10,000,000. I will live the way I please and achieve inner harmony and happiness.  Bruce Lee 1969
Via

Bruce gets an automatic reblog

steveagee:

iheartchaos:

Bruce Lee’s definite chief aim

Or, “steps to being the baddest motherfucker on the planet”

Transcript:

My Definite Chief Aim

I, Bruce Lee, will be the first highest paid Oriental super star in the United States. In return I will give the most exciting performances and render the best of quality in the capacity of an actor. Starting 1970 I will achieve world fame and from then onward till the end of 1980 I will have in my possession $10,000,000. I will live the way I please and achieve inner harmony and happiness.

Bruce Lee
1969

Via

Bruce gets an automatic reblog

(via kulap)

paulscheer:

Charlie Sheen Plays Call of Duty

The BBC’s Sherlock is Fucking Boss

That is all.

paulscheer:

OFWGKTA KILLED on FALLON

Must Watch. 

brodeep:

Tyler, The Creator and Hodgy Beats - Sandwitches (feat. The Roots) Live on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

SWAG

I need to sit down and reevaluate the series of life-decisions I made that resulted in me not learning to do awesome things like throw a sewing needle through a piece of glass in slow motion.